Ephesians 5

There have been postings recently on a number of blogs about one of the more controversial teachings of Christianity, that of the proper relationship between husband and wife. I have to admit that I have struggled with this one for all of the (nearly 30) years that I have been married. Part of my struggle has to do with some of the pathology in my family of origin - both my parents came from broken families (divorced and remarried - for my dad when he was 5, for my mom when she was 12) and they themselves divorced after 20 years of a very tumultous marriage. Thinking over my aunts and uncles, the only first marriage that did not end in divorce was my uncle who died of cancer after 5 years of marriage and 2 children. So I did not have any kind of an example. I did not see husbands who cherished their wives to the point of any real sacrifice, nor wives who were willing (or able?) to depend upon their husbands, much less be obedient.
I was raised to be independant to the point of pathology, and I think that my parents were puzzled that I married young, before finishing college and 'establishing myself'. They were even more concerned that I immediately had 2 children in 2 years. What they did not see was that, even though I was not able to be trusting and obedient, God worked miracles through the Sacrament of Matrimony, and through the husband that he gave me.
We have had a rocky marriage from time to time, and I don't want anyone to think that it has always been a fairy-tale romance. I think that it truly is a miracle that we are still married and still in love. I have to credit the graces of the Sacraments and the prayers of my parents-in-law for a lot of that.
Obedience is not something that we tend to make a big thing about most of the time. But I find that if I am in rebellion against my husband (something that alas, has happened way too often) I am also in rebellion against God, the Church, and a life that I wail "Just isn't fair!". John is pretty easy-going about most stuff - I have learned that if he asks my obedience I had better listen up. And example is a job that I was in for nearly two years - I had gotten so wrapped up in it that I lost sight of my priorities. He reminded me that God, marriage, and family came first and gave me the strength (by requiring my obedience) to give notice.
I think that obedience is crucial in a sacramental marriage. Some one has to be in charge. Sometimes obedience can involve being the one to make a particular decision, too. Being obedient does not take away my responsibility for my actions and choices. It does not turn my brain to mush, nor cancel my culpability should I sin.
A husband can not require, through obedience, a sinful action. He cannot command an abortion, for example. The concept of obedience does not absolve a mother from the responsibility to protect the children that God has entrusted to her. Separation from an abusive husband may sometimes be necessary, for example, to protect the children from violence or sexual abuse. But I would hope that these would be rare circumstances for those married in the Church and trying to live a Godly life.