God is so elusive. But why? I want to weep for sorrow and scream for frustration, but in moments of true candor, I know I will do neither. The tears won't come. Not real ones anyway. The only tears of which I am capable are those brought on by sappy movies and melancholy songs. I don't know how to manifest true pain. more (you may have to scroll to Reflection, hot links snafu).
Crystal - all I can say is that I have been there too. I can be on a retreat, or at a prayer meeting, or at Mass - and I can see that those around me are being moved not just spiritually but emotionally - and I am feeling nothing. My intellect and my will tell me that God is present, but I just can't feel Him. This, I think, is actually a truer pain that the bodily aches and pains. I have heard this referred to as 'dryness'. I don't know for sure if that is what it is - it seems like true dryness is a mark of great spirituality and holiness, and I know I'm not there myself.
Holiness, I have become convinced, is in the everyday stuff. It is in trying my best (which often isn't terribly good) to do what God wants me to do to help bring about His kingdom. I can't always feel the presence of God to love Him - even sometimes in the Eucharist I can't feel Him - but I can try to love those who God has put into my life. Sometimes that is even harder to do. My children are dear to me, but I can't always say or do the right things. My husband and I are truly one flesh in Christ, but I still manage to hurt him without even realizing it. I guess that I will just have to try to be holy in the small stuff. Ora et laborae. Offer up the things I despise (like kitty litter boxes) and the work I love (catching babies) and pray whenever I can.
Something that I have found helpful is to have physical reminders of prayer with me constantly. I wear a celtic cross around my neck - a gift from my husband. When my fingers brush against it I try to offer a prayer for him. In my pocket I keep a rosary next to my keys and my pager, and simply touching it reminds me to say a quick Hail Mary. When I turn on my computer, I offer a quick prayer for those I know on-line, especially those who have asked for specific prayers. It helps. Every little thing helps.
