nine year olds shouldn't have to be brave

I was nine (almost ten) when my brother committed suicide -- I didn't cry or say anything when my mother and sister told me he'd "died" (after being missing for a month -- I already suspected suicide when no one would say it, at least in front of me.) Later when relatives were there and everyone was hugging and crying, I just stood apart. The only time I'd "had to be brave" before that really was when my father died and I reacted similarly. Can't figure out what it is but to this day I don't even want, like, my husband seeing me get teary over watching something like Schindler's List -- even when I'm pregnant and have an "excuse."